Saturday, 23 March 2013

An Orgasmic Guide on Omelette Making

Do you like omelettes? Good, so do I. I love them, in fact. Here is a brilliant little guide on how to make the nicest, most orgasmic omelette possible. While you read it, it is highly recommended you listen to this. Got it? Gooood. Oh and before we start: things mighty get a bit steamy if you get what I mean. Or, in other words; awkward. Very awkward. Just saying...

So, let us begin.

Step 1...

The first thing you need to do is decide how many eggs you want. I recommend a 3 egg omelette or at least a 2. Anything less will result in burning and a dry texture.

Slowly remove the eggs from their packaging, being careful not to break them. Good.

Arrange them delicately on the side.

Put some oil in the pan to heat up. Oil will make sure it isn't dry and will help to keep things wet. Make sure you spread it out, pouring it all over the pan. Dripping it in, careful not to pour out too much. You don't want it too greasy, do you?

Step 2...

Now you need to break the eggs. It helps if you have some nice, big, jugs. Do you? If yes, brilliant. If no, grab the next best thing. Preferably only a slightly smaller cup. Hopefully you have a fairly big cup. We don't want anything too small to we? Don't want to spill anything anywhere and make a mess.

Get the first egg and break in into the jug/cup. Don't be too gentle or too aggressive. If you are too hard it will break and go everywhere. If you are too soft it will only break a bit, allowing some of the shell to fall into the jug/cup.

Be firm and reassuring with your touch. Once broken, put two fingers inside and split it open. As you do this the egg should slide out and slop into the mixing container. Do this with all eggs. Make sure you really get your fingers in there and firmly spread it open. Otherwise shell will break away and get mixed in.

Step 3...

Mix the eggs together with a fork, unless you are doing anything above a 5 egg omelette in which case you might need something bigger and more experienced. 

The best way to do this is simply plunge the fork in there, swirling the contents around. It will be wet and sloppy, but just mix it, first clockwise then, after a little bit, anticlockwise. 
Make sure you do it vigorously and hard. Really put your strength into it. Some of the juice may splash on you, but bare it out. It won't last long if you do it right. 

Keep going until all of the darker yellow bits have mixed in and the egg is a lighter yellow colour.

Step 4...

The oil should be more than hot enough by now. If it is smoking hot, you know it has been on long enough. 

Pour the egg mix into the pan. Don't do it too fast. Slowly at first and then as the amount of mix lessens pour it all in faster. 

The egg will spread out and mix with the oil. After a little while it will begin to firm up and get harder. 

Once the top of the omelette is dry and there is no more uncooked egg, grab a spatular and use it to lift up the side of the egg and peak under for a better view. Check how it is doing. It might be a bit wet. If it is, let it cook some more.
When it is dry, take the spatular and slide it carefully and slowly underneath. You want it to be firmly between the egg and the pan. Slight it in as far as you can. If you meet any resistance just push on through it. The egg might look like it can't take it, like it might break, but they are more flexible than you think and all should be fine. No damage is likely to be done.

When the spatular is in position, lift it up a bit. The egg will bend slightly. Then, in one quick motion, flip the spatular, along with the egg, over onto the other side. Check out the other side. Make sure it isn't burnt. Brown blotches are mostly OK and simply mean the egg has cooked well. This won't affect the taste when you eat it.

Cook the other side for about a minute, maybe less. When it is done, slide the spatular, again, underneath. It will be easier to get it in now than it was the first time.

Ready yourself then flip the omelette onto your eagerly awaiting plate. 

Step 5...

Take your beautiful egg to the table. If you want to spice things up, add some salt and maybe pepper. If you used the right amount of oil it shouldn't be too wet or greasy. Prepare yourself for this incredible, memorable experience and tuck in. Enjoy it while it lasts <3

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