I will warn you; this article does contain plenty of language
In case you were wondering; no, this article is not being written while I am angry, however it is being written with rage at the core.
So I wanted to write this rant about FIFA 13, after all the problems it has got to me.
So, Mike, why does FIFA 13 piss you off? Well, let's start here:
How the hell do you get 17 shots - 15 on target - and not score until the 90th minute? When the opponent has 6 shots, 3 on target, and scores in the 29th minute? In other words, how does it happen that you can be owning another player completely, with attacking, passing and defending but can't score a single of the good shots you send at their keeper, but they can score with one shot from outside the area?
Now, this isn't a case of "my shots were shit and his ones were good" - if you play FIFA you know the drill. You'll know that most, if not all, of your own shots may be amazing, but one of their mediocre ones easily ends up in your net.
What about defending? Well if they only got 6 shots and you got nearly 20, who has the better defence?
The bottom line is; how can a player do fuck all in a match and their keeper saves all your shots, and when they are presented with one opportunity it is a goal?
I'm not gonna get all technical and say "EA fix this" and "I think this needs to change" because, quite frankly, I don't give a crap, but I do know it pisses me the hell off.
Say what you like; "you're shit at FIFA" "Get good" and all that nonsense if you want, but if you play the game, you'll know what I mean.
So what else is annoying?
I don't know- oh, maybe, where's my fucking defence gone? I get a freekick in my own half and suddenly it's 'get in the penalty area everyone, this is could be a goal' time. If you think I'm gonna cross the ball into the opponents penalty area from my own half you can piss off. But still, all the defenders amble up in an attempt to, what? Score from 50 yards? be a hero? Get the fuck back in defence and stop making fools of yourselves.
But no, there are only two defenders left to, well, defend, basically, and if the freekick goes wrong, where are the rest? Gone. Vanished. Disappeared. Too slow to get back in time and you're spread open - so far open counselling will be in order to recover from this disturbing ordeal.
Here's an idea: do your fucking job and defend.
While we're on the topic of defence and defenders, it's worth noting about how UNBELIEVABLY SHIT AND AWFUL the AI defending is. Defenders just stop running back, for no reason. They don't intercept balls 3 inches from their feet that are traveling at, what, 2mph? Then they just stand there, doing absolutely nothing at all. They stand there twitching, like they're caught in a glitch. Are you gonna stand there watching me concede or are you going to fucking help?
Oh and goalkeepers; don't get me started on those idiots. Apparently a goalkeeper can save everything that comes their way, but the moment a back pass to them is attempted they panic, get diarrhea and, yep, the ball goes through their legs into their own goal. Is this a joke? No, this is not joke. This is serious; very, very, serious.
Attacking AI is just as bad too.
How, exactly, is it improved, EA?
There could be the biggest gap in an opponent's defence that anybody has ever seen and Alexandre Pato - or any other striker in FIFA 13 - still wouldn't run into it. Why are you running right next to the defender? Do you want to bum him or something?
The AI runs are a joke a lot of the time. It's like every attacker in the game has the run making ability of Carlton Cole.
In fact, screw it; all the AI sucks. In fact, it sucks to the point where players just handball the ball for NO REASON AT ALL.
The ball bounces at a player and oh, they handball it. They take a touch and the ball bounces and, oh of course, they just handball it. It wouldn't be a big deal - after all, the ref doesn't even care - except the ball just bounces off of players' hands and out of play. What. A. Joke. And yes, I do have handballs turned on.
This has gone on too long, though. Let's speed it up:
Referees are a joke; they can't tell a foul from a good tackle.
Matchmaking is fucking A-W-F-U-L.
Oh and why, in fucks name, does it just decide to crash at the title screen when updating the store catalogue? I'm not alone with this. WHY? TELL ME!
Why the fuck do my hospitality settings not save? My custom formations? Poof. Gone.
In career mode, when you aren't playing as Barcelona, why is Messi never top scorer and performs like crap? In other words: Why is AI Messi shit?
Another thing about career mode; I'm sick of Juventus wanting to buy Neuer - EVERY FUCKING TIME.
One more thing: When I press Pass, or Shoot - or WHATEVER: do it. Don't take an extra touch - DO IT.
Invisible ball can fuck off too.
So yeah. There you go. My honest opinion about the things FIFA 13 does to piss me off.