Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Rant - Aliens Colonial Marines SUCKS

I know this is overdue because the game was released last month, but I didn't play it until now. And I probably shouldn't have played it. It was shit. Very shit. Ho-ly fuck was it shit.

So if you read my previous rant on FIFA 13 you will have a good idea what the drill is here. I swear a lot and explain why the game sucks so much. Simples, right?

OK I honestly don't know where to start. I was going to write a review, but I thought: fuck it; this game isn't even worth that. So you can take this as my review. 
So here we go.

Mike, why do you hate this game that you don't even want to write the name of so much?

Hm, well let's start with the cosmetics first. Nothing too heavy. Just the cosmetics. Well the game looks shit. Now I know, I know, 'graphics aren't everything' and all that shit. Well, believe me, I am one of the few people you will meet who hole heartedly agrees with that statement, and I could forgive this game for its poor graphics and many, many, graphical glitches. However, when I consider how shit the graphics are and then think of how shit the rest of the game is, well, it pissed me off even more.

Outdoor environments look pretty good, I'll give the game that. However indoor environments look more fucking shit than a toilet after a night of curry eating. It might more be the art design than graphics, but the environments, except some outdoor ones, look like crap. They all look the fucking same. WHY DO YOU ALL LOOK THE SAME?

They are so fucking boring the only way to make them even remotely entertaining would be to smoke ten joints and fill yourself up on LSD - and I would not recommend that in the least, unless you want to die.
They are so fucking boring. Like 'zzzzz' boring. Like, poke your eyes out boring. 

The rest of the graphics are, well the rest of the graphics, well, let's just say, for the most part, 'shit'.
The characters look like something out of fucking Looney Tunes and facial animations are crap.
What's more, screen tearing and popping is con-fucking-stant.  

Not that the characters need to have recognisable or presentable faces because all of them are as shallow as a fucking half-inch puddle. My God, GearBox must have gone out of their way to make the characters so stupid and shallow and completely uninteresting. I honestly don't think that you can make them that fucking awful by accident; they must have done it specially. 

They are boring and completely, just, fucking, I don't know, just fucking shit. Completely shit. The eggs in my cupboard have more character than these shits. Honestly, at least some of my eggs have feathers stuck to them that make them look a little funny. 

They are so fucking dumb too. I mean, if they were real humans, I can honestly say they would be in the funny farm, not the fucking military. 

They don't do jack, fucking, shit. They literally stand there, gawping, shouting and doing nothing constructive. In FACT, all they did was block my way. They actually got in the way. They did nothing but GET IN THE FUCKING WAY. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN IN 20-AND FUCKING-13 GEARBOX? HOW?

The enemy AI is, haha, exactly that: laughable. I don't think I've ever been so not scared by a game. I was actually LAUGHING, when I should have been crying.
The aliens are just bumbling goons. And the human bad guys are shit too.

The gameplay is shit also. The aliens and humans are not much fun to fight and the shooting feels so fucking papery I thought I was playing Paper Mario With Guns or something.

I really don't want to waste my time ranting about this game anymore. Bottom line is that it is shit. Don't play it, just don't. I am not even a massive fan of the Alien series, but I was looking forward to this game like crazy. It is totally shit. Massive piece of crap that craps all over Gearbox's reputation. To be honest, the E3 demo looked way better than this shitty version. How is that even possible?

Oh and you may have noticed I didn't mention the story. I forgot actually, which is what you will do with the story after you play this shit fucking game. Although I do beg you not to play it. If anything play Alien Vs Predator. It is actually pretty fun.

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