Sunday, 10 March 2013

Spoofed! (Series;1 Ep.1) iPhone 5S Revealed!

This article is out-of-date and was originally published on my (now inactive) secondary blog 'Michael The Entertainer'. Since both my blogs have become one, however, all of these articles will get published on here from now on, and all of the ones that were already published on my other blog MTE will be transferred to this one. This article was not written in relation to any recent (within the past month) rumours to do with this subject.

Spoofed is likely a series that will be continued on this blog, and may feature weekly installments. The premise is simple: something is taken and a spoof "News" styled article is written making fun of them/it. Enjoy.

Please Note that this article contains explicit language.

In a surprising turn of events, it is reported Apple have cut their production rate of the iPhone 5 to pave the market for the newest entry in their mobile phone line: the iPhone 5S.

Apple: who caused controversy last year after they released the iPad 4 only 9 months after the iPad 3,; look to be causing the same issue here. According to a report from website Llort, Apple is due to release their newly revealed device towards the end of February.

Information about the new phone came in surprising abundance as Apple revealed some intriguing details about the new iPhone model. These are listed below.

Apparently the screen of the iPhone 5S is to be exactly the same size as that of the iPhone 5, which comes as no surprise due to the fact that Apple were adamant for years that 3.5 inches was clearly big enough when blatantly competition had over taken it in this area.

The processor will also remain the same, but has been beefed up to a 1.4Ghz speed instead of the original 1.2Ghz. It will remain dual core which may surprise some given that Apple are, again, showing their neglect towards their more techie fans by shoving the same piece of crap processor in their faces.
Obviously this will be justified by the fact that it 'performs like a quad core 1.6Ghz processor' but still poses the question: Why don't Apple just put in an actual quad core 1.6Ghz one then, instead of this crappy 'out of date in 2 months' thing that just about gets the job done?

The screen resolution is still not HD, which will no doubt shock few and not surprise many.

Not to worry though, as always Apple has come back with the PPI figures, which are up to 246; so that is an increase of 20! This will most likely ensure that the iPhone maintains the highest PPI of any phone. Many fans will no doubt still be angry about the iPad 4 in this area after it was beaten in screen quality only a few months after release by the Nexus 10.

Siri, the guy who always sounds like he's got a cold, has been upgraded too.
He now answers to more commands than ever, including "Siri, where's my phone?" "Siri, don't be such a dick!" "Siri, I'm not going to repeat this so get it right this time!" "No Siri I didn't want you to search the fucking web; I want you to CALL MY MOTHER!" "FOR FUCKS SAKE SIRI WHY ARE YOU SO USELESS? WHY AM I EVEN USING YOU?"
However after hearing from an anonymous tester, it's confirmed that Siri will still answer most of those commands with "I don't know what that means, do you want me to search the web for..."

Apple Maps has had an upgrade too. It now has a massively improved 50% chance of getting you to your destination safely.

To wrap up this iPhone 5S reveal here's some interesting information on the new power connecter. Apparently the new iPhone will, again, be so thin that the old new power connecter is too big for it. A new one has been fitted which will mean that users will, once again, have to change all their equipment over to the ones that work with the new dock.

Apple says it's worth it though, given how much thinner the phone is. It's now 6.4mm thick, however Apple haven't said anything about it being the thinnest phone yet - probably because of that mix up about them wrongly stating the iPhone 5 was the thinnest in the world when it clearly wasn't.

It's also worth noting that they are now in the process or patenting the 6.4mm size too.

Pricing wise, it is believed the new iPhone will be around £750 and the iPhone 5 will receive a price cut of just £50.

Is it worth the extra money? Was it ever worth the money? Voice your opinions in the comments.

By The Way Chillax...

This article was a complete spoof and is not real (nor is the site Llort - read it backwards) Do not take this article seriously at all. The points made in it are meant to put Apple in a bad light. Do not be offended by this if you are an Apple fan - similar articles directed at other phones and companies will be posted soon, so it's nothing personal. The whole point of this and other Spoofed articles are meant to point out the flaws with these devices and development companies. So chillax and enjoy. 

A thanks to Mr. Michael Crichton for his editing advice is also due - thanks buddy. Follow him on Twitter @Mike__Crichton Follow me on Twitter @mookyst

Thanks for reading!

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