Sunday, 5 May 2013

Rant - Why Google Glass SUCKS

Contains a lot of language. 

Ho-ly shit. I wasn't paying much attention to Google Glass until recently and now that I've had a good look at it and what it does I have to say it looks like the creepiest, most disturbing piece of pointless, shitty, just plain HORRIBLE, tech EVER.

So Mike, why do you hate Google Glass so much? I mean have you even USED it?

Well no, I have not. And I don't intend to. Ever. Except maybe if I'm offered a free pair by Google for being such an awesome blogger (*cough*bullshit alert*cough*). However that's unlikely to happen.

There are many things about Glass I think are awful, however just looking at them is enough to put any normal, sane, human being off of ever wearing them. EV-ER.

I mean look at them. LOOK AT THEM.
No dude of course you look good. Although I'd just like to point out you have a MASSIVE FUCKING CAMERA ATTACHED TO YOUR FACE.
Fuck me. C'mon. Who in fucks name is going to walk around wearing those? I wear glasses and I get enough (or I used to) "Alright Harry Potter" comments, but what the fuck are people gonna think if you walk around wearing THOSE? I MEAN LOOK. AT. THEM. What the fuck is that? What the actual fuck is that Google?

Guy: "Hey baby, how you doing?

Girl: "I'm doing fine, Ken."

Guy: "I've, ah, got a new pair of Google Glasses babe."

Girl: "Really, I, uh, didn't notice..."

Guy: "Really, well, they're pretty discreet huh?"

Girl: "Yeah, I'm leaving now you deluded freak."

And that's how FOREVER-A-FUCKING-ALONE happens people.

I haven't exactly pointed out exactly what makes them so horrible to look at but I think it is pretty obvious, that is unless you actually think they look good (do you? Leave a comment with what you think on their design!).

For starters the camera is the most hideous thing I've ever seen on a pair of glasses before.

"Hey everybody, no need to panic, I've entered the room with my GIANT FUCKING GOOGLE GLASSES CAMERA. LET ME JUST COME OVER HERE AND SHOVE IT IN YOUR FACE WHILE I TAKE A PICTURE WITH IT."

This will probably be peoples reaction to Google Glass in 50 years.
Of course, that camera alone isn't going to draw a shit ton of attention to your face, is it Google? No of course not. Of COURSE not. And I don't mean the type of attention that revolves around you being attractive or having nice eyes, I mean the type of attention that is often followed by gawping, looks of awkwardness and maybe sniggering too.

Also it would never work because glasses themselves just don't work. I wear them and I know the cons of having to wear them every day. These include things like having to be wary of big crowds in fear of getting them knocked off and not being able to play certain sports. If Google got their way then there would be new laws stating that people can't group together anymore in case they lose their Google Glasses or something and sportsman, where would all the sportsman go? It just wouldn't work.

Now going back to the fashion side of things, I know what you are thinking:

But Mike, didn't you write that article A Question Of Fashion wear you clearly said people should wear what they want and generally DO what they want too? So aren't you contradicting yourself by saying Google Glasses suck because they look stupid?

You know what, you're right! But I guess the reason I think Glass is so horrible to look at and to be avoided at all costs is also due to what it does in terms of functions and features.

Glass is supposed to make our lives easier and the superficial things we do more convienent. So you know that incredibly difficult task of taking out your camera or phone and manually taking a photo? You know how long that took? You know how much your poor arms hurt afterwards? Well that's gone with Glass! Just say "Glass take a picture" and that giant fucking growth on the side of the glasses does exactly what you just said!

You can record video in the same way too. In fact, you know all the things you can already do on your phone and/or tablet, like check the time, your calendar, search Google Maps for nearby places of interest, have video chats and thing like that? Well Glass does all that, except handsfree.

Actually it does less than your phone or tablet does. Yes, less, not more. It doesn't play games like Angry Birds or Pinball. It does convenient things, but no proper recreational things.

It might seem, after what I just said, that Glass isn't so bad. That it just tries to help you out. But are we REALLY that lazy? Are we really going to walk around looking like part-human part-robot things? And the fact Glass is controlled via voice commands makes it even weirder. Goons wearing these creepy-ass glasses will be wandering around talking to themselves, seeing things through the lenses that no one else can see. Why don't we just load everyone up on LSD? No seriously, why don't we? That's basically what Glass is: A recreation of LSD.

I don't have a problem with phones or whatever. I love them. But the moment technology crosses over into affecting our appearance and the way we work in our DAILY lives, then it is crossing the line.

We were not built as humanoids with cameras on the side of our fucking heads. Glass is taking away our humanness. It's turning us into something we weren't meant to be originally. Phones, they just sit in your pocket waiting to be manually activated by YOU. Glass sits on your fucking head, forcing itself upon you. It's RIGHT THERE. It's on your Goddamn head people. It's not an option anymore, like a phone is, it's a part of your body.

I think an app you can download summed Glass up for me perfectly. This app is called 'Winky' and it takes a snapshot when you make a very deliberate wink at someone when wearing Google Glasses. It's there to automatically capture those fun, flirty, winky moments you have. But what I don't get is who the fuck is gonna find a goon wearing Glass winking at them attractive? Take that motherfucking machinery off your Goddamn face and be a normal fucking human being for Christ's sake. Jesus. This is technology going TOO far. Way too far.

What are your thoughts on Glass? Leave comments below! 

10 comments:

  1. Seriously, why would you ever want them? Just get an Iphone, you idiot ...

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    1. Don't know if you are directing the comment at me but I don't own Glass (or an iPhone actually lol). I don't know why anyone would want them but oh well, guess that's the world we live in lol

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    2. Of course no :) It wasn't directed at you of course, you are a great Blogger. (Especially regarding your Bioshock Infinite Explanations, you really helped me out with those answers.) Its probably just Americans who want to live a more lazier life style (lol because I just sit on the couch playing 1999 mode, Er ma gawd you need to write a walkthrough with tips on that!) I wouldn't buy them, I would probably get laughed at a lot, and they just don't seem that helpful from the reviews I've seen. Google should focus their methods on making something more important than this.

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    3. Haha yeah probably. I don't get why Google think Glass is something people actually want. I agree; they should be focusing their efforts on more important things. Like actually making Blogger consistently functional lol

      As for the 1999 mode guide, I was going to write a guide but I just didn't think people would want to read it. That said I wouldn't mind writing one and as you want to read it yourself I might as well try and knock one up. It's a bit late, and no doubt loads of people will claim I stole the tips from other websites but I guess that doesn't matter. I'll see what I can do. Thanks for the great feedback by the way!

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  2. perhaps the whole concept of Google Glass wouldn't be so ridiculous if the price wasn't so crazy. I mean, really? I heard somewhere it was five grand. FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS for a pair of robocop-esque glasses that actually do LESS than a smartphone. I mean, let's get real here, Google.

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    1. I know right! I don't get why Google thinks we need glasses that do basic things for us stuck to our heads anyway. Maybe if we all lived on Mars and wore special body suits in a StarTrek kinda way. But not now, not in normal life.

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  3. Amen. My biggest concern is that Google is just big enough and has enough clout to force this down the throat of a sheep-like population that's dumb enough to queue for a fucking iPhone.

    I could never understand why nerds would get beat up at school. Now I'm starting to get it.

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    1. Haha I've got a feeling these will die out pretty soon.

      Anyway, what's wrong with nerds? I'm kinda a nerdy geek haha :S

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  4. Fuck you for talking shit about LSD. Take it back. TAKE. IT. BACK.

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    1. Uh, no. The effects of Glass are actually comparable, as I mentioned in the article, to those of LSD.

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