Friday, 28 June 2013

Bullshit Reasons You Lost On FIFA 13 - (FIFA 13 Pisses Me Off PART 2)

FIFA 13 is shit. Yet we still play it for some reason. However don't get angry when you lose for some bullshit reason. Instead, just come to this article (like you have now) and relate to all of the bonkers and shitty ways you might have lost on FIFA 13. I've been reading everyone's comments on my last two anti-FIFA 13 articles - FIFA 13 Pisses Me Off & Why FUT Sucks - and I've made the ultimate compilation of fucked up ways that EA fucks you over and over again! A handful of these previous comments will be featured at the end too! En-muthafucking-joy!

1: Sexy Time!

As much as sexuality means absolutely nothing, it's hard to defend football as not being a 'gay' sport when all the players on FIFA 13 seem to love having orgies together in the middle of the game. I guess the whole 'footballers are sex addicted maniacs' cliche that John Terry created is pretty true.

It's late in the game and you're drawing. Seems the game is going to end even. Hang on, what the fuck just happened? Apparently your defenders have just dropped their pants and began having a gangbang with the other player's striker. They're laying on the floor, stuck together, tangled and can't get up.
Meanwhile the other guy has got through your basically open defence and has scored. Great job defenders. Great fucking job. I guess this is why JT isn't very popular on FUT.

2: What A Lovely View!

We can all admire the beauty of the stadiums like the San Siro and Nu Camp. Not only are the stadiums themselves amazing but the crowds only add to the visual satisfaction you get from looking around the place.

But players should be used to this, right? Right? RIGHT? I guess that's why we never see them stop and stare in awe. Well, not in real life.

Oh, but this isn't real life right? This is FIFA! And apparently your players - defenders especially - just love to sight see! They've been in over 300 FUT matches but they still love to go walk about and take in the view.


Oops...Too late...He scored....

3: Contain like a fool, tackle like a twat and fall-over like Ronaldo

the word 'consistency' is not one that EA knows very well. Or the defenders in FUT. Why is it they can play a great game and then HOLY fuck they become shit?

Whether you hold down the A/X button to contain or do it the more manual way by simply holding the left-trigger, your defenders sometimes just won't contain properly. You'll know what I mean if you've experienced it. They won't tackle properly either, and if they try to, they'll fall over and then there will be a MASSIVE hole in the defence that the opponent exploits. What the actual fuck EA?

4: 90th Minute, BITCH!!!

Hey it's the 90th minute! We're gonna win this boys! Take a bow. He was a good opponent, but not good enough! I think you did especially well Reus! You better get man of the match or ima be pissed! And my defenders ACTUALLY defended well!

Uh...Wait...What happened?

He scored. He scored. He FUCKING SCORED.

How did this happen?

Well let me guess, you're defenders probably decided to take a picnic and think that because it's the 90th minute they no longer need to defend?! And he simply cruised past everyone and scored a 90th minute goal easy-peasy?!

Or maybe it was a corner? Yeah, gotta love 90th minute corners. They never miss, do they EA?

5: Y U NO RUN?

Getting the ball up the field isn't the hardest thing in the world. When you have your most creative midfielders on the ball it should be pretty easy to create chances and send good balls forward for your strikers to chase.

But, uh, they can't exactly chase them if they don't actually, well....Ya'know...RUN.

Over 90 positioning and you just stand there? WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU DUMB STRIKER?

It stays like this for the entire match and you can't possibly win because your strikers just won't Goddamn move. You're literally stuck in midfield with, I don't know, Pirlo say, on the ball and he is just holding onto it because no-one is making a run. And then he's about to lose it so you decide to send forward a hopeful through-ball for Aguero to chase and of course he stands no chance of reaching it because he didn't bother making himself available for the pass in the first fucking place.

Also, who loves it when there is a massive gap in the defence and instead of running into it, your second striker runs into your own striker? No-one loves that? Really? Wow....OK... Why'd you put it in the game then EA? Yeah, fuck you too.

6: Lag

Lag. Lag. That one feared word. Lag.

Why does the game lag at the worst times? Yeah...I have nothing to say here...I have no explanation....

7: Damn, Servers

This is how the EA 'anti rage quitting' brainstorm went down:

Peter Moore: "Hey guys! So obviously you've taken a break from wiping your asses with people's money and have come here today to look like you're doing work! We're going to brainstorm and figure out how to stop people rage quitting! Now obviously we have the DNF system in place. But people still rage quite all the time. So what do we do?"

Intelligent EA Pawn: "Why don't we improve the game itself so people don't actually rage quit? See if we made it better, then matches would play out more fairly and players wouldn't get pissed!" *beaming face as he thinks he just made a brilliant suggestion*


*Peter Moore straightens tie and smiles superficially*

Peter Moore: "Now, anyone who isn't completely retarded want to suggest something? Don't be shy..."

Ass Kissing EA Pawn: "I know! Why don't we disconnect people from our servers then blame THEM for disconnecting and give them a DNF?!"

Peter Moore: "Oh you really know how to impress me. Let's....Meet later for a....Coffee..." *cheeky wink*

8: Now That's Good Head

Corner. No goal. Corner. No goal. Corner. GOAL! Corner. No Goal. Corner. No Goal. Corner. No Goal. Corner. No Goal. Corner. No Goal.

That's how corners go normally. But then suddenly you play a match and instead of ^^^^THAT, your opponent is like THIS:

Corner. GOAL. Corner. GOAL. Corner. No Goal. Corner: No. Goal. Corner: GOAL.

Yeah because your defenders suddenly forgot how to mark and Chiellini can't jump anymore....

9: PEN.....PEN.....PEN......PEN

Great slide tackle David Luiz! Good lad! Hang on.... Hang on....No....No...No, no, no, no - WHAT THE FUDGE CAKE WITH ICE-CREAM?

Good tackles are punishable by penalties on FIFA 13, apparently. Nice going ref.

OK so sometimes a foul is committed and it IS a penalty. But why the fuck did the AI commit the foul? You don't go fouling people in the pen area because you felt like it you fucked up defender. Why does this happen? It's bonkers. If a penalty is going to be conceded, let it be because YOU made the foul YOURSELF. Not because your defenders just randomly decided to all become Pepe.

10: Walcott! Walcott Everywhere!

I didn't know that you could get magic 'speed juice' in FIFA 13. Oh, you can't? Then how come ALL the opponents players can run at 1 Bazllion miles-per hour? All your passes are intercepted and as soon as the other person sends a through-ball forward, your defenders are left behind by that little bitch Esswein.

You can't compete. Everything is against you. There's no way to dominate the game if your players are being all normal and their players are on fucking speed.

And even they're defenders are crazy fast. And it's John Terry in defence! How in fucks name does that work? It doesn't. Just like EA's logic.

11: Fuck This. I Pass.

The match starts and you instantly pass to one of your wingers. But the ball just rolls out for a throw-in.


OK, bad start. You get the ball back and pass it forward, but it simply goes to one of the other perosn's players.

And the match continues like this throughout. You can't possibly score because you can't keep the ball. Your players just can't fucking pass.

What the fuck happened to your players? Why can't Xavi pass the ball 10 yards? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?


I like you getting back to help out the defenders, Falcao. I really do, but stay forward because otherwise we can't counter attack, right?

Woah - you too Di Natale? Why are you getting back too?

And you Ozil and you Lucas? What is going on?

OK let's counter attack. Oh wait, we can't because there is no-one forward.

At this moment you check your strategy balance. It's Neutral. Then why is every player you have getting back but NOT forward?

You're forced to go Ultra-Attacking in order to make your players get forward and *attempt* to make runs but then that is too extreme and your defenders are forward too and so you concede. There's no winning really is there, EA?

What is this, Defenders Unite?

13: Super-Keeper! (And Some Total Bullshit)

Sometimes matches seem so right. You are getting the ball easily, keeping possession and getting shots in. But you're not scoring. Hmmm.

10 shots on target later and your opponent gets a break. They come forward then take a dodgy longshot. It goes in.

Hang on, isn't that their first shot on target? And it was a longshot? And you've had better and MORE chances (10 to be exact) and you haven't scored?

Hey then he scores again. Meanwhile the other person's keeper is saving everything you have. Fuck Cech I want this guy! Oh wait, it's Victor Valdes, I don't want him! HANG ON, HOW THE FUCK CAN HE SAVE ALL THESE? HE'S SHIT!

And so it ends. You lose (draw if you're lucky). Gotta love FIFA 13.

Comment Time!

Here are some of the best comments left on my two previous angry FIFA 13 articles:


"Why when I play FIFA 13 online my players run so slow compared to my opponents? Are they using a cheat code or something? Its almost like my players are running in quicksand and my opponents every player including there center backs have rockets on there backs. Does anyone know what my opponents are doing? Please Dont tell me I just suck and Dont know how to play. I can play with real Madrid and my opponent have Ac Milan and every one of there players as soon as the game starts runs circles around me."


"I want to know what the f*** you're doing that makes your man run so fast I'm playing online with Manchester United they can use the worst team in the league do guys want circle around me like my guys have skunk Creek boots on and they got rocket jets up there ass this is b******* I know the cheating with some kind of cold or something I need somebody to come forward and tell me what the hell do doing because you can't even play this online this is b******* is bleeding cheating I play against the guy they have no skills whatsoever all they do is make the guys want fast and wanting to you not your man over in school or you can even get the ball pass have half quart or half midfield I'm so sick of the s***"


"I googled this article while pissed due to most of the reasons above. I laughed so hard I forgot to be pissed off. Thanks for that."

Melting CHOCDOG:                                                                                                                            
"Just played a game with my friend and his keeper ran out of the box and saved it with his hands, but the EA gods said "nah not a hand ball at all" absolute BULL-SHIT I can't understand what EA spend all there money on, not improving the server or the AI or the graphics or the actual game-play itself. You can see why EA won the worst company of the year award twice in a row."                                    

Billy Allen:

"HOw about the fact that they opposition defenders somehow get super quick? I had hulk through on goal.. and MERTERSACKER OF ALL PEOPLE, somehow catches up and tackles him?!"   
FreeFire187 on XboxLive:
"This game is so goddamn awful. This is a stupid fucking piece of shit! Like Billy said; HOW THE FUCK does a defender catch me while I'm at full sprint pushing the ball in front of me and the mother fucker is SIDE STEPPING and keeping up with me?! What the fuck is up with the goddamn shooting delay? Why the FUCK do I need to press the shoot button 3 fucking seconds before I'm ready to take a shot?! Do I look like I can see the fucking future and know when I'll be ready to shoot 3-4 seconds before I'm ready?! WHAT THE FUCK EA! Let's not talk about how awful the shit AI defenders are! "Here, let me get the ball and get that pass to you. Before I pass it to you though I'm going to turn around the other way so that I can have to immediately turn back around again and chip the ball to you even though you're only 10 feet from me! That's a perfect plan!" EA... SUCK A GODDAMN FUCKING DICK! Oh, and I like how the skill moves you put in game work like a fucking charm a whopping 1.4% of the time you use them! Great job!"

Yours fucking truly,
Pissed off gamer, FreeFire187...

Anonymous (Note: While the article is mainly aimed at FUT, anon has a good point here. A very good point.):
"Agreed. Also I hope EA can explain to me why the fuck liverpool or other shit clubs always win the premier league title when I play with other leagues. Every fucking time. Manchester United, Manchester city and chelsea even buy fucking half the other leagues players and end up 6th. Wtf is up with that????"
Anonymous (Note: Makes a great point about how we all seem to expect that it will somehow get better but it doesn't. Yet we all play it.)
"this shit was fucking hilarious. Fifa pisses me the fuck off yet I still come back to play it. I think I want it to magically appear to be better or something. Totally not worth the 60 bucks if you ask me, because they make you purchase a bunch of shit in game too."
"I was so angry after watching my team get mercilessly counterattacked by a ridiculous AI after my 91 overall striker somehow couldn't handle a 5 foot pass outside the box, that I turned the game off, and turned to my computer and typed in fifa 13 fucking sucks. Your article popped up and it did make me happy. Why do I keep playing this game?"
Anonymous (Note: To the point. I like it.)
"I know that feel bro. Fifa 13 is fucking retarded."
"The last few weeks of playing FIFA 13' online have really annoyed me. Today was the final straw. Playing an online seasons game with Milan (i was vs PSG), I totally dominated the first half and was 2-1 up comfortably in control thinking gonna smash this guy about 4 or 5-1 at least. Half time stats were 9 shots, 7 on target vs his 2 shots 1 on target. But nooooo FIFA's ridiculous programming takes over and in the second half my players CANNOT EVEN PASS 5 YARDS TO EACH OTHER, their control is shockingly bad and they have no pace or even want to run anywhere. It's as if my AC Milan team suddenly became a non-league team!!. Ended up losing 4-2 because my players JUST WOULD NOT REACT to what I was asking them to do.

I hope in the next version of FIFA, the players actually can respond to your input consistently. FIFA 13' is a joke.

STILL missing PES6 after all these years of 'next gen' greatness. That game was the best footy game I've ever played. Your tactics and attacking/defensive mentality actually had an effect on the players you would logically expect AND you could score epic goals just by playing simple, quick footy. If you wanted to keep the ball. You could! Instead of your player just randomly deciding his touch would be a bag of shit for no reason, or his pass would go nowhere near the person you were aiming for."
"Ultimate team sucks , ea decideds who will win the match . I.e give all the luck to 1 team , I may have 20 shots and the keeper saves them all flying through the air to push every shot wide , then the opposing team makes 1 break and my defenders are nowhere to be seen , alas 3 on 1 = the winning goal. And to top things off all the loose balls and deflections go to ea's chosen winner. Dont get me wrong , ive won a few matches this way but that annoys me too. Its a waste of me putting battrries in my controller , I may aswell press start then sit back and let ea do the rest....."

So, there you have it. I'm pissed. You guys are pissed. So let's make the comments section a fucking pissed off orgy. Express your anger at the game below. You guys are hilarious and the more you comment the bullshit ways you lost, the more people will realise they're not alone when they lose in ridiculous ways. Given how shit FIFA is these days (and given how much I still play it. D'oh) there will definitely be another angry FIFA article sometime in the future, so I will definitely feature any comments on this article on that one. So anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little compilation of bullshit ways to lose on FIFA and I hope you can relate to them. PEACE!

Wednesday, 26 June 2013

The Last Of Us VS Bioshock Infinite

It's time for the two most critically acclaimed games of the year to go head-to-head. Sure, The Last of Us didn't score well with me, but I know a lot of people loved that game and would like to see a versus between it and its toughest competition: Bioshock Infinite.

It's going to be an even battle, so as Infinite does not have multiplayer, multiplayer will not be part of the contest. 

You know the drill. Let's do it.

Note: There may be MINOR spoilers ahead. 


This round is easy. While both games look great, there's no doubt that The Last Of Us wins this round due to its phenomenal facial animations. Bioshock Infinite looks amazing, but The Last Of Us would win against pretty much any game.

Scores: The Last Of Us: 1 - Bioshock Infinite: 0


While The Last Of Us has incredible characterisation (which will be compared in a different section below), the main plot is actually less impressive. 

Having to escort a girl across a suffering, zombie filled USA, on a 'LET'S SAVE HUMANITY YEEEEEAAAAH' mission is not original. It's what the movie industry would call a normal day in the life of a typical Hollywood script and story writer.

Bioshock Infinite blew everyone away with its mind-bending ending that had everyone questioning everything, like the meaning of life and what would happen if they hadn't eaten a banana and had cereal instead. There's no doubt Infinite wins this round, for having not only both an original and unique plot but also a totally brilliant one.

Scores: The Last Of Us: 1 - Bioshock Infinite: 1


Given the main point to the existence of both these game's is their single-player story, I thought it would be best to break it down further than just one section. So, how do the characters themselves compare?

The Last Of Us may have had a fairly typical plot, but the characterisation is sensational. And that's what it's about. It's about feeling pity and anger. Mistrust to those you don't know. It's about feeling real emotions for non-existent people. It's about following them on a journey that defines them as humans and changes them. It's about seeing them grow and build their own relationships together. 

It does it superbly. Ellie was a strike of genius and although she should really have been made to be about 15 years old instead, she was almost perfect. Funny, interesting, unique as a person and not stereotypical and, ultimately, a joy to be stuck in the zombie apocalypse with. 

Joel on the other hand was more reserved, and who can blame him? He'd been through hell and back. The characters you met along the way were also pretty well presented, although as with A LOT of games, they suffered from just not being interesting enough to gain your attention. 

The voice acting was also perfect. 

The key to Bioshock Infinite's success wasn't just its story though. It too had amazing characters. I don't think I've ever felt as attached to a first person protagonist before. Booker was awesome. A badass who, for all the blood he shed, was still a human. There were moments during the game when I thought he was actually remorseful and sad about some of the things he'd done, and then I realised that ultimately he WAS sad. He was a sad guy.  

And Elizabeth was sad too, but in a different way. She was bubbly, innocent and very vulnerable and you couldn't help but feel close and attached to her. And protective of her too. I was terrified that she was going to die. That something would happen that would ultimately end her existence. 

However she too was sad in that her fate and future looked forever bleak and she was constantly being used and exploited by those around her. 

It was actually a really sad game. A bright, colour filled game that was, well, sad at the same time. A superb contrast. 

In the end both games nailed the characterisation and voice acting. There can be no final winner here. It's a draw.

Scores: The Last of Us: 2 - Bioshock Infinite: 2


If you read my Last Of Us review you'll know what is coming. There is no doubt in my mind about who wins this round. 

The Last Of Us had bad gameplay. It wasn't fun. Playing the game ultimately felt like picking at a cold meal with a slightly warm coffee. In other words: the game's pacing was so off and the gameplay was so boring and unoriginal that it was a drag and I never felt motivated to continue playing it.

Bioshock Infinite doesn't have amazing gameplay. The vigors are somewhat pointless and useless and the gunplay is pretty standard. But it was fun. It was a fun game. I enjoyed it. 

There wasn't anything I enjoyed - except the hand-to-hand combat - about TLOU's gameplay.

Bioshock Infinite wins easily.

Scores: The Last Of Us: 2 - Bioshock Infinite: 3


The Last Of Us' stroke of genius was in its characters. Everything else was lacklustre. I already described the gameplay as being so bad it put me off playing the game.

Infinite was fun. I went on a marathon where I just nailed the game in one sitting and had my brain fried afterwards. It was great. And I instantly replayed it. I still play it now. It's a game that may have had a brilliant story and characters, but was also totally brilliant to play. The Last Of Us felt more like a movie. It was good to watch but mediocre to play.

I enjoyed Bioshock more. I'm sorry Sony fanboys, but TLOU loses this round too.

Scores: The Last Of Us: 2 - Bioshock Infinite: 4


The Last Of Us succeeded in creating a believable world filled with almost perfect characters, but failed to entertain from an actual GAMING perspective. 

Bioshock Infinite succeeded just as much, if not more, in the areas that TLOU did, and also succeeded in other areas that TLOU failed in. In other words: Infinite got far more RIGHT. And was a way more entertaining GAME.

If you want to know more details about each game, then check out my reviews:

Anyway, I want to know what you think about these games, so please leave a comment explaining your own thoughts on them! PEACE!

Monday, 24 June 2013

Journey To Find The 2 Best CDMs In FUT - Ep.1: Pirlo & IF Lampard

I've been searching. Frantically. Hard. Long. For two CDMs in FIFA 13's Ultimate Team mode.

At the start of my journey to find these two CDMs I began used In-form Lampard and Pirlo. And that's where this story starts...

I play a 4-2-2-2 formation. It's not the best for attacking as the CAM positions aren't that central and drift closer to the wings, meaning that you don't have as much attacking force. Indeed, given the fact that the CAM positions are more on the wing and typically players who play at CAM aren't that pacey, it often feels very awkward. But the thing is that I bought all of my players in the 4-2-2-2 formation and even those who weren't in that formation, I made play it with the use of formation changers.

In other words: I spent a lot of time and money on making sure all my players play 4-2-2-2 and given that the only other formation I'd want to use is 4-1-2-1-2, which is HELLA expensive, I don't think I'll be changing it anytime soon.

Anyway, I just broke a massive writing rule just then by using the word 'formation' about half a trillion times. So let's move on.

The bottom line is my defence sucks. I've got good defenders, don't get me wrong, but those damn pace whores always come and fuck me up the arse.

There isn't anything I can change about my CB's though. They're great players usually. And my RB and LB are awesome too. So how can I up my defence? Well, by filling those two CDM positions with two great defensive players.

So, here go the tryouts.

The first two potential longterm CDMs are In-form Lampard (the 84 rated one) and Andrea Pirlo.

Both are creative players, although there is no doubt that Lampard is a beast attacker too.
However their attributes are relevant only when they're playing.

Typically I like my CDMs to be a bit pacey, have good passing, great defending and good shooting too. Dribbling isn't important.

So how did Pirlo and Lampard's careers fair at my FUT club, 'Messi Situation'?

I gave them three matches to impress me and if they failed, they're out.

This the team they got to work with:

Match 1:

The first match started off well. Lampard seemed to be bossing in almost every area he needed to. He was getting back with surprising pace and making tackles, he was getting forward, he was making some killer paces. He was playing well.

However Pirlo wasn't on the pitch. Where was he? Fuck knows. He wasn't anywhere to be seen.

"Where the fuck is Pirlo?" I heard Chiellini call to Petr Cech after we conceded (the score now 1-1).

Did Cech know? Nope. Did Lampard know where his defensive partner was? Nope.

However in the 33rd minute he appeared. I squinted at the screen in order to check I wasn't hallucinating and realised it was, indeed, the elusive Pirlo who was on the ball and who had just made a pretty damn nice interception.

Where had he been? I have no idea. So I decided to keep an eye on him. I kept him in my line of vision and realised he wasn't leaving the pitch, he was simply doing FUCK. ALL.

Actually he was doing a kind of moonwalk dance. But there's no time for a MJ tribute in the middle of a football match.

Lampard assisted the next goal which was nice and nothing eventful happened after.

At the end, Lampard received a match rating of 7.0 while Pirlo was stuck on an awful 5.0.

Match 2:

With match two fast approaching, I sat the boys down and had a little morale inspiring talk.

"Falcao. You keep doing what you're doing. It's good. You're scoring good goals.

Di Natale. Nice assist last match. Keep it up. Try to score a bit more though.

Ozil. Keep doing that thing with your eyes. It freaks out the opposition players.

Sneijder. Why are your touches so fucking awful? Oh well, score another left foot jaw-dropper and you'll stay in the starting 11.

Lampard. You're fitting in well. So far so good. Keep it up!

Pirlo.... I know you're old, OK. But Lampard's older, and he can still make his way around the pitch. So try to actually make yourself available next time OK? Good.

And defenders, keep defending. I know it's not your fault when EA trolls you.

Let's get to this next match! We need that promotion to Division 1."

So match two began. Unfortunately the guy we were up against had a good team. Can't remember the exact players but he had Mata and Aguero. Actually, I have my own Mata, but he's on the bench these days.

Anyway. It began.

To be honest it was end-to-end in the worst possible way. And by that, I mean I would get to his goal, not shoot, lose the ball, he'd get it and come to my end, get tackled, lose the ball, then I'd get the ball, go to his end, shoot, miss, lose the ball at a goalkick and then we'd start over.

However while the game was lacking in the goals department, the frantic exchanges in possession meant Lampard and Pirlo were having their pace and defensive abilities tested.

Lampard was coping well. His lack of pace was fucking him over in some instances, and when Kompany came forward occasionally to tackle a player, Lamps wasn't quite fast enough to slip into the open CB gap.

Pirlo had also listened to my advice. He was running more, getting forward and him and Lampard were forming a good partnership. Lamps would get forward while Pirlo stayed back and then Pirlo would get a chance to attack while Lamps defended. It was good.

And then the motherfucker scored. With fucking Aguero too. I mean, the guy's a dick. He stamped on David Luiz. And he has 'Kun' in his name. Kun. KUN. Someone for the love of God just put a 'T' at the end of it on his shirt. Thank you.

So we were down a goal. As it stood on points, we needed to win this and then win again to get promoted.

After half-time I took off Sneijder as he was doing, basically, fuck all. Ozil and Di Natale were close to getting subbed too. And then it happened.

Lampard scored. He scored a fab goal from outside the box. Good work! Good fucking work.

The rest of the match played out dully. No more goals and no red cards or anything.

At the end, Lampard had scored a match rating of 9.0 while Pirlo had a 7.1. Not bad.

However this next match was the decider. If we won, we were promoted. If we lost, we weren't.

Match 3:

I wasn't going to take any chances and benched the mediocre Pirlo for the next match. Lampard stayed on though, and I kept the rest of the team how it was before. In Pirlo's place came Inler. He was being played out of position at CDM instead of CM and hadn't played a game for 19 matches. *Gulp*.

D'you ever get it where you know, you KNOW you should back out of match before it starts? That the player is going to be really good and you shit quit and join another game?

Well this was one of those moments. The guy took forever to ready up and I was about to back out when he did. I was tempted to just leave because I knew something was up. Something was going to go wrong.

I should've done because the bastard was a pace whore. Walcott on the right, Ribery on the left and Remy and Welliton up front.


The match started and instantly the mofo went ultra-attacking on my ass. He was all over me like Remy was that poor woman he assaulted (I mean, accused of assaulting. Nothing certain...YET...). How could they let the bastard out on bail? If they hadn't I wouldn't be up against him. Thanks a bunch, English courts.

He scored. Quickly. A cross from Ribery found Remy COMPLETELY unmarked who volleyed the ball low into the bottom left corner.

That's the non-expletive way I went about confronting Chiellini and his dreadful defensive mistake.

However all was not lost. While it looked as if I was going to concede again, good ol' Sneijder sent a brilliant through-ball flying for Di Natale to chase, who outpaced whoever that shit defender was, reached the ball, dribbled it a bit, and then sent in a cross for Falcao to head home.

Now during all this mayhem, Lampard had been subdued. He'd been overwhelmed. As the first half came to a close I realised that I couldn't count on him. It was all too much for him. He is old and the pace of the match, the pace of the other guy's attackers and midfielders, the pace of everything was too much. He couldn't keep up. Throughout the first half his stamina bar had been in the red zone. I'm surprised he hadn't had a stroke. However despite my every FIFA instinct screaming at me to sub him, I didn't.

That was my biggest mistake.

I took Inler off in order to give Pirlo one last chance to prove himself worthy of a longterm contract at the club. And then the next half began.

It was OK for about 5 in-game minutes. And then Remy scored again. Lampard was far too slow to catch up with him and Kompany was out of position. Ashley Cole was doing Jack-shit and Abate was across the other side of the pitch. There was nothing Chiellini could do either, because he was too busy having an orgy with Welliton, who had got tangled with him. And Cech wasn't even close to saving the bottom right corner effort from the convicted rapist.

The match continued and Pirlo was doing nothing. He was a shit sub. A really shit sub. I think he was pissed at being benched, but still, how shit can you get? He hobbled around a bit. Made a decent interception and then decided to stick a leg out inappropriately, which earned him a yellow card.

The match ended 2-1 to the pace abusing asshole.

What happened team?

Lampard's rating of 6.2 was far better than expected and I would've given him a 4.0. Pirlo meanwhile did actually score a 4.0. Well, a 4.4 to be exact. What a disaster.


My conclusion on IF-Lampard and Pirlo, as CDMs, is as follows:

They're OK. But unreliable. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. Ultimately, they're just too slow and lack the defensive rating required.

So the journey continues. I'll be trying out some more CDMs and writing about my experience with them shortly so stick around for that.

If you liked this ramble then leave a comment. And yeah, PEACE!

Social Comment Songs

I like songs that have a message. No, not messages like 'stalking a girl and insisting she loves you is OK' like JB did with his song Baby. I mean songs that make a point about the world. Intellectual songs. Does that make me sound like a total and utter snobby, obnoxious goon? Hopefully not. I just like music with a bit more depth.

There are a few bands who produce some good social comment material. Surprisingly The Offspring is one of these.

Their song 'Stuff is messed up' (which, ironically, isn't a line featured in the song. Instead of saying 'stuff is messed up' they sing 'shit is fucked up'.) is a great comment on society in general. Every line is a winner and honestly, I can't say I disagree with a single thing they say. Ultimately the song feels like any normal human bean's take on the world. It's not sung in a 'serious' way and it comes across like some guy just started ranting about shit that annoys him and it's 'no big deal'.

The lines:

"I see bullets getting better, Biblical weather
And that guy on TV is like a total asshole"

are just awesome. The first part about bullets and the weather are good, sure, but the bit about the guy on TV being an asshole is genius. I mean, let's face it, there are TONS of people on TV that you look at and think "You're a douchebag."

After Dexter has finished ranting a little bit more he gives one of the music industry's finest song speeches, saying:

"Now thank God for the media, for saving the day
Putting it all into perspective in a responsible way
With more celebrity news, typical bullshit views
I think we're losing this fight -"


"Sponsored by Bad Light"

And then continuing...

"And now we're rockin' the casbah and taking the flak
The genie's out of the bottle  and we can't put it back
All this stuff, it's overwhelming my brain
can you see the storm comin'? 
It's comin' this way"

It's just genius. Utterly genius and true too. The media part always makes me crack up. The sarcasm is dripping from everything he says.

The song reminds me of Billy Joel's hit song 'We didn't start the fire'. They're similar styles and meanings, although The Offspring to a better job of getting their point across.

I don't know if I should mention this next band, however. Should I? Can I, even? The thing is that bringing System of a Down into this feels like cheating. I mean, they ARE a comment, right? They, as a band, are a social comment. System of a Down isn't a band, it's an opinion. It's a view. It's a comment.

If you don't know who SOAD are or you simply don't get what the fuck I just rambled (I ramble a lot about rubbish) about, let me explain.
Dat smile. D'ose eyes. Dat beard. And dat... Uh.... Totally
normal guy on the left. He's just waiting for a mate.
System of a Down, are an American rock band. Nothing new there. But they're well known for having a frantic sound. They're loud and brash and they sing about pizza. Yes, pizza. However the reason I said mentioning them in this article feels like cheating is because the band itself is a social comment. That's what they are. They're a comment. Their songs are all social and political comments. They're opinionated. That's the point of the band. They don't sing about love. They sing about how many sexual assault cases there are. All their songs are making a point. That's, well, that's the point.

It's hard to mention SOAD because what song DO I mention? They're ALL a social comment. One that does come to mind instantly, though, is their song 'Boom!'. It's a song about violence and, well, bombs. All the lyrics are brilliant, so I'll let you read em' all:

"I've been walking through your streets, 
Where all you money's earning, 
Where all your building's climbing, 
And clueless neckties working, 
Revolving fake lawn houses, 
Housing all your fears, 
Desensitized by tv, 
Overbearing advertising, 
God of consumerism, 
And all your crooked pictures, 
Looking good, mirrorism, 
Filtering information, 
For the public eye, 
Designed for profiteering, 
Your neighboor, what a guy. 

Boom, boom, boom, boom, 
Every time you drop the bomb, 
You kill the God your child has born 
Boom, boom, boom, boom.

Modern globalization, 
Coupled with condemnations, 
Unnecessary death, 
Matador corporations, 
Puppeting your frustrations, 
With the blinded flag, 
Manufacturing consent 
Is the name of the game, 
The bottom line is money, 
Nobody gives a fuck. 
4000 hungry children leave us per hour, 
From starvation, 
While billions are spent on bombs, 
Creating death showers. 

Boom, boom, boom, boom, 
Every time you drop the bomb, 
You kill the God your child has born 
Boom, boom, boom, boom 

Why, why, why, why must we kill, kill, kill, kill, our own, own, own, own kind... 

Boom, boom, boom, boom, 
Every time you drop the bomb, 
You kill the God you drop it for.

Boom, boom, boom, boom 
Every time you drop the bomb."

As you can see, the lyrics are obvious. It's an obvious song. The message is clear. Not all SOAD songs are as in ya face though. Take their song 'Pizza Pie' for instance. They frantically sing 'PIZZA PIE, PIZZA PIE, PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA PIE". What does it mean? I don't actually know. I think the song is a comment on advertising? Consumerism? Maybe? I don't have a clue. Maybe it's just about how morbidly overweight some people are in America and their love for pizza. 

One band who never fail to impress me in the social comment department is Slipknot. I know some people think they are try-hard and their fans are dumb try-hards too. I know people think their fans are 'emos'. But the thing that I love about them is their angry take on the world and how Corey Taylor blasts off into angry rants about Religion, politics, the Iraq War, bullies and other things. 

One of their most self-explanatory songs is 'People = Shit', a blunt song about how, well, people are shit. Basically. 

But I think the song that sums them up the best and is their most powerful is 'All Hope Is Gone'. 
The lyrics are genius. I already took a look at this song though in another article, so check that out if you want to read what I thought about it.

Not all bands are intent on making social comments though, however chances are you'll still find a couple of their songs are about the more controversial things in life. Take Drowning Pool for instance. While their newer stuff is, well, shit, their first album was incredible. And the finale song 'Sermon' was utterly brilliant. 

It explores religion and while it may seem geared towards the more atheist type of people due to some cynical 'God doesn't really exist' lines, it ultimately poses some good questions. In the end though, you won't like the song if you're religious. It's basically saying 'If God exists, where the fuck is he when you need him?' and while I personally wouldn't totally agree with everything said in the song, I adore the way it's written and the questions it poses.

The song is breaking down religion and belief, and asking, why do you believe? Why should I believe? 

"Where was God when I, needed a friend and, where was God when I, came to an end?
Where was God when I lost my mind?
Where was God when I couldn't find?"

*Asking the question: "If God didn't help me when I needed him, where was he?"*

"Where was love when I, felt like hate?
Where was hate when I felt like love?
Where were you when you said you'd be there?
Where was the fear when I said I was scared?"

*Continuing to ask the question of where exactly is God when you need him?!*

"Tell me what you believe (Tell me what you believe)
I'll tell you what you should see (I'll tell you what you should see)
I DON'T KNOW WHO TO TRUST! (Tell me what you believe)
My heart is filled with disgust (I'll tell you what you should see)"

*I love this part. It's saying that, as with all religious (and political  actually) conversations, what you believe is not what I believe and so, to quote the lyrics: "Tell me what you believe and I'll tell you what you should see." In other words: tell me how you view religion and I'll tell you how you're wrong and how I am right. It's also pointing out that there is no way of knowing, for sure, what is true. "I don't know who to trust!" Who DO you trust? Your instinct? Your family? Your friends? What/who should you believe?*

"Ladies and gentleman
May I have your attention?
Are you ready for the joke? [laughing]

*I love this part too. It's pretty self explanatory. Quite simply, it's saying God is a joke and a myth people are deceived into believing.*

As controversial as it may be, and even though I'm not an atheist, I just love the song. It gets me thinking  and that's what songs, movies, games should do.

So there you have it. A few songs and bands that get my brain working, make what I think are good points and, yeah, are a good listen! Thanks to MetroLyrics for the lyrics, by the way.

What music do you guys like? What do you think of the songs and bands I mentioned? Leave your comments below!

Saturday, 22 June 2013

Review: The Last Of Us (PS3)

I know, I know. The review is late. I'm sorry. I was really busy with E3 and personal things and I just didn't have time to play and review this game.

Not that I haven't been looking forward to it; The Last Of Us is one of my most anticipated games of the year.

So, let's start at the beginning.

The game has a blast of a start. The first 15-20 minutes of introduction gameplay are beautifully presented and one of the most stunning starts to a game I've ever seen.

It took me by surprise, though, that the main part of the game is actually set 20 years AFTER the intro, where you follow old guy Joel. I say old be because he must be at least in his late 40's, maybe even early 50's.
The facial animations are mind-blowing.

You're introduced to him and Tess, two people who are just sorta getting on with things in a ruined world. They run a mini smuggling business and smuggle things around in return for supplies. No-one in this ruinous world can be trusted. Not the military. Not strangers. Not no one.

The USA has been shut down and separated into these safe havens where people live. They're spread out across the US (where the game takes place) however in-between them are vast, massive stretches of *barely* inhabited land. Cities and towns lie in ruin, empty and void of all normal, human life.

Joel is ultimately set the dangerous task of escorting a 14-year old girl, Ellie, across zombie filled America in order to deliver her to a group of people called the 'Fireflies'.

The first thing you'll notice about the game and its characters is how incredibly well animated they are. Facial capture is some of, if not the best, that I've seen. It's simply stunning.

It brings the people alive and makes you feel somewhat closer to them. And it's really the characters who make the story as good as it is.

While some of the side characters, like Tess, don't feel very well explained or relevant, the two leads - Ellie and Joel - are superbly well crafted. You'll care greatly for both of them. I didn't expect her to, but Ellie did steal the show for me. She's a lovely character, but not typical or generic. She feels (and looks) alive and she has her own distinct personality.

Joel is a little more monotone, however after a while he lightens up a bit. He's a troubled man with his own problems and you can't help but feel for the guy. He's been through a hell of a lot.

The game's story is without a single shadow of a doubt its strongest point. The way it's told is brilliant and while some characters don't feel like they were built on enough, Joel and Ellie and the journey they go on more than makes up for this. The funny and interesting conversations they have while wandering around together are brilliant. Ellie will talk and comment on things and it all feels very natural and realistic.

However The Last Of Us, contrary to what many, many, MANY reviewers are saying, is not perfect. In fact, it has such a big problem in the area of gameplay that the game really can't be classed as remotely perfect on the whole.

The gameplay is split into two parts. The first part is the combat. And the second is the sort of 'platforming, slash puzzle solving, slash getting from A to B slash searching for supplies' parts.

There are different aspects to the combat too. Typically you have two ways of dealing with the enemy, whether they be real people or zombies. You can stealth it out by going in and sneaking up on unsuspecting bad guys and taking them out. Or you can go in guns blazing and kill all those mofos.
Admittedly, you're going to be using stealth a lot. Ammo can be a bit on the scarce side, so taking things to the shadows is often the safest and most economical way of doing things. You're gonna want to abuse the over-poweredness that is hand-to-hand combat too.

Come up close to an enemy and you can bash their brains out with your fists or some pipe or brick or something. It's the best part of the entire combat system and incredibly satisfying.

You can't always go in shooting though. There are different types of zombos and one of these types are Clickers. They're zombies with these giant mushrooms on their heads (no, not in an adorable Toad from Mario kinda way) that are blind and run around making clicking sounds and listening for noises. You have to use stealth to get past them because if they hear you, they're so fast and a one hit kill that you stand no chance - especially when there's more than one.

You can sneak up on them and take them out silently though, and they aren't immune to guns or anything, so you can be a bit inventive with how you approach situations involving them.

This no doubt all sounds good and fun, and I haven't said a bad word about the combat yet. But that's about to change. Unfortunately, the combat is just completely, well, naf.

First of all the shooting is off. It's loose and feels very much like L.A Noire's gunplay. Which isn't good.

Then there's the issue of the AI. I haven't seen AI as inconsistent and poor as this for some time. You'll be stealthily trying to get past a clicker when your AI buddies will just charge ahead, run INTO one of the zombies, and then hide behind a wall. And the zombies don't even do anything. Which is kinda good because it means that as dumb as the AI is they'll never 'get you killed' for their mistakes, but at the same time it's a complete and utter immersion breaker. All of it is nonsense. It's barmy. It's completely ridiculously silly. It's actually comical. And Ellie, as adorable as she is, is no different. You'll pull this kinda face:

as she tries to follow closely behind you only to get tangled with a Clicker who doesn't even react to her presence.

In fact, the enemies don't find it necessary to attack any of your AI companions - especially Ellie. In Bioshock Infinite, Elizabeth had a reason for not being attacked. Because she was needed alive. But zombies have no brain. They have no reason not to attack Ellie. The fact she is invisible to them makes no sense. If she actually ran off and hid then fine, maybe they wouldn't attack her because she'd be hiding away. But she doesn't. Half the time she runs around in the middle of combat not getting attacked. Why?

And I'm not done there. The level design is horrific.

OK so I expected a more open world with random enemy encounters and shit, and OK, what we got was a scripted, linear world with scripted linear enemy encounters. The problem isn't that I didn't get what I wanted, it's just that the direction that Naughty Dog did decide to take is one that does nothing but make the combat and game world feel incredibly restrictive and poor.

The world is so scripted and so tightly regulated that you never feel free. You're forced into making decisions because the game world says so. It's INCREDIBLY generic.

And then you have the enemy encounters. The human bad guys aren't too bad, but the zombies are awful. Every infected fight feels generic and scripted and a majority of them are these awfully designed 'arena' levels.

You'll enter an area and there will be loads of, for instance, Clickers wandering around. Why? Fuck knows. I have no idea why they're just skulking around doing nothing. Why don't they wander off? They're damn zombies, why are they standing around like they're guarding something? What is their purpose? It feels so out of place for a game that is trying so hard to be realistic that I can't even explain it to you.

You'll then proceed to make your way through this generic, linear 'area', taking some of the infected out if you so wish and trying to get to the next section. The level design is not random or unpredictable. These 'areas' are so generic and scripted they leave nothing to the imagination. The way these arena levels are built is just atrocious. Yes, atrocious. I'm not even kidding.

Some encounters with the infected DO feel random and intense, and that's awesome! But half the time you'll be waddling quietly through an 'arena' trying to avoid some weird ass zombies that have absolutely no purpose for being there. Like, seriously, you could wait there for hours and the infected would still be wandering around that area. Apparently they don't do anything except stand around. I'm sorry but it really is a bit of a joke. The level design is frequently worse than bad.

It's also worth noting that zombie fights happen WAY too much. They are overused to the max. You won't encounter 1 or 2 at a time. Instead you'll come across hordes. It feels just like any other generic zombie game at that point and combat situations become a drag.

When you're not battling foes though, you'll be trying to navigate the dangerous environments. The US is in ruins and Joel and Ellie will need to find their way from A to B in more inventive ways than just walking. You'll need to climb, use ladders and other things in order to get to where you want.

I really wish these quiet platforming/puzzling solving parts were good. Believe me. But they aren't. They're not as bad as the combat, but they're close.

The puzzle parts are so shallow and mind numbingly boring I have nothing positive to say about them. There will be a gap that you need to get across, so instead of searching the environment, looking for things to use, you'll turn around and, oh, WOW, guess what? They'll be a GIANT plank of wood RIGHT THERE behind you for you to use. And you know the odd part? It looks exactly the same as every other plank of wood you used before it. Apparently there are just loads of massive planks of wood that are sturdy (not rotting or anything), look the same and are brilliant for getting across big gaps. How, uh, coincidental.

It may sound like I'm nitpicking but I'm not. If the platforming parts weren't so Goddamn repetitive and totally lame then details like the wood wouldn't matter. But everything about them is bad.

Sometimes the wood you need will be propped up against a wall, and you'll have to search a little bit to find it. Challenging stuff.

Sometimes you'll use a ladder! Yes. Very impressive.

Hang on, though, I thought that this was a survival horror game? Then why are there well placed ladders and planks of wood everywhere you go? Where the hell is the surviving? How come Joel never has to go into a house and use his brain and pull out a table or a bed or a fridge and use that to climb up somewhere? What I'm saying is there is zero innovation or invention here. Nothing even remotely unique. It's bland. It's pointless. It's totally lame. And the game never seems excited about any of it either.

The bleak tone it has sets the mood well, but when you're completing awful, boring and repetitive platforming segments like this, that bleak tone feels more like the game's way of snoring. And Joel sounds bored too. The voice acting was perfect. But I can't lie, it made me laugh when he walked up to a gap and said dully "We need to get across." and Ellie said "How do we do that?" and he said "We'll find a way." That's the type of enthusiasm that gets me going!

But no, seriously, the voice acting IS perfect, it just makes me laugh that Joel sounds as bored as me in those situations.

What happened Naughty Dog? You created one of my top 3 series when you came out with Uncharted! But what is this? You call THIS fun? You call THIS platforming and puzzle solving? In fact, what DO you call it?

As this game is about surviving, you'll need to scavenge for supplies. However even this is bad. I know it sounds like I just won't stop complaining but it's hard not to when the gameplay is this boring and
poorly made.

The scavenging wouldn't be bad if the game world wasn't so painfully and cringe-worthingly restrictive and generic. You never have a say in where you go or even where you EXPLORE. There's basically no exploring in this game. The world looks and feels vast and big, but it's tiny for you.

If you want to search for supplies you have go into the boldly placed houses and things. There will literally be a house that is blatantly obviously hiding supplies that you need, and it will be right next to where you need to go, so you can't miss it. Basically, you never, EVER have to stray from the set path in order to find or 'scavenge' anything. Not that you can stray away anyway. Alan Wake was more of a survival horror than this. At least it let you properly explore and search environments.

Occasionally the area you're in DOES open up a bit, and you have room to breathe. But it stills feels limiting. It's still not that big. It's still generic and linear on a massive level. It's just not good.

The Last Of Us is not a survival horror. It's a heavily scripted action-adventure game featuring zombies.

What does this all mean for TLOS? Where does it leave it? I wanted to love this game, I REALLY did. But at times it was laughable - literally. I mean, the AI running into a Clicker only for nothing to happen? Sure.

The story is such an incredibly well told tale that needs to be experienced I recommend at least just watching a play-through of the game on YouTube.
However while the story and characters and voice acting sky-rocket so high that you can barely see them, the gameplay is so BAD and drops so far and hits the ground SO hard that I can't possibly give this game a higher score. I'm sorry guys. I know everyone loves this game. I know they think it was made by God and given as a gift to gamers. But it wasn't. It's got a lot of gameplay problems. And that's what is so sad. It's the gameplay that lets it down .The story is to be admired. But the gameplay is bad. Just plain bad.

For all the flaws with the gameplay though, Naughty Dog KNOWS how to make a sensational story. It's mind-blowing. The finale isn't stunning in gameplay terms (none of the gameplay is good) but the story reaches its peak and ends in a truly magnificent fashion. The emotion, the characters; it's all superb. Incredible, even.

But the gameplay takes away what The Last Of Us has. It takes away its magic. The journey is good when you're not really playing it. And that, that is bad. Very bad.

Should you buy it? No. Should you rent? Well, for the story yes. But don't expect good gameplay. I'm sorry guys, but The Last Of Us isn't perfect.

TLOU has emotion and tries really hard. It has a stunning story. But the rest of the game is average. Bad even. I'm being generous with my score because while so much of the game flops, it's still playable. It's average enough to play-through. Not unbearable like some games.