Friday, 28 June 2013

Bullshit Reasons You Lost On FIFA 13 - (FIFA 13 Pisses Me Off PART 2)

FIFA 13 is shit. Yet we still play it for some reason. However don't get angry when you lose for some bullshit reason. Instead, just come to this article (like you have now) and relate to all of the bonkers and shitty ways you might have lost on FIFA 13. I've been reading everyone's comments on my last two anti-FIFA 13 articles - FIFA 13 Pisses Me Off & Why FUT Sucks - and I've made the ultimate compilation of fucked up ways that EA fucks you over and over again! A handful of these previous comments will be featured at the end too! En-muthafucking-joy!

1: Sexy Time!

As much as sexuality means absolutely nothing, it's hard to defend football as not being a 'gay' sport when all the players on FIFA 13 seem to love having orgies together in the middle of the game. I guess the whole 'footballers are sex addicted maniacs' cliche that John Terry created is pretty true.

It's late in the game and you're drawing. Seems the game is going to end even. Hang on, what the fuck just happened? Apparently your defenders have just dropped their pants and began having a gangbang with the other player's striker. They're laying on the floor, stuck together, tangled and can't get up.
Meanwhile the other guy has got through your basically open defence and has scored. Great job defenders. Great fucking job. I guess this is why JT isn't very popular on FUT.

2: What A Lovely View!

We can all admire the beauty of the stadiums like the San Siro and Nu Camp. Not only are the stadiums themselves amazing but the crowds only add to the visual satisfaction you get from looking around the place.

But players should be used to this, right? Right? RIGHT? I guess that's why we never see them stop and stare in awe. Well, not in real life.

Oh, but this isn't real life right? This is FIFA! And apparently your players - defenders especially - just love to sight see! They've been in over 300 FUT matches but they still love to go walk about and take in the view.


Oops...Too late...He scored....

3: Contain like a fool, tackle like a twat and fall-over like Ronaldo

the word 'consistency' is not one that EA knows very well. Or the defenders in FUT. Why is it they can play a great game and then HOLY fuck they become shit?

Whether you hold down the A/X button to contain or do it the more manual way by simply holding the left-trigger, your defenders sometimes just won't contain properly. You'll know what I mean if you've experienced it. They won't tackle properly either, and if they try to, they'll fall over and then there will be a MASSIVE hole in the defence that the opponent exploits. What the actual fuck EA?

4: 90th Minute, BITCH!!!

Hey it's the 90th minute! We're gonna win this boys! Take a bow. He was a good opponent, but not good enough! I think you did especially well Reus! You better get man of the match or ima be pissed! And my defenders ACTUALLY defended well!

Uh...Wait...What happened?

He scored. He scored. He FUCKING SCORED.

How did this happen?

Well let me guess, you're defenders probably decided to take a picnic and think that because it's the 90th minute they no longer need to defend?! And he simply cruised past everyone and scored a 90th minute goal easy-peasy?!

Or maybe it was a corner? Yeah, gotta love 90th minute corners. They never miss, do they EA?

5: Y U NO RUN?

Getting the ball up the field isn't the hardest thing in the world. When you have your most creative midfielders on the ball it should be pretty easy to create chances and send good balls forward for your strikers to chase.

But, uh, they can't exactly chase them if they don't actually, well....Ya'know...RUN.

Over 90 positioning and you just stand there? WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU DUMB STRIKER?

It stays like this for the entire match and you can't possibly win because your strikers just won't Goddamn move. You're literally stuck in midfield with, I don't know, Pirlo say, on the ball and he is just holding onto it because no-one is making a run. And then he's about to lose it so you decide to send forward a hopeful through-ball for Aguero to chase and of course he stands no chance of reaching it because he didn't bother making himself available for the pass in the first fucking place.

Also, who loves it when there is a massive gap in the defence and instead of running into it, your second striker runs into your own striker? No-one loves that? Really? Wow....OK... Why'd you put it in the game then EA? Yeah, fuck you too.

6: Lag

Lag. Lag. That one feared word. Lag.

Why does the game lag at the worst times? Yeah...I have nothing to say here...I have no explanation....

7: Damn, Servers

This is how the EA 'anti rage quitting' brainstorm went down:

Peter Moore: "Hey guys! So obviously you've taken a break from wiping your asses with people's money and have come here today to look like you're doing work! We're going to brainstorm and figure out how to stop people rage quitting! Now obviously we have the DNF system in place. But people still rage quite all the time. So what do we do?"

Intelligent EA Pawn: "Why don't we improve the game itself so people don't actually rage quit? See if we made it better, then matches would play out more fairly and players wouldn't get pissed!" *beaming face as he thinks he just made a brilliant suggestion*


*Peter Moore straightens tie and smiles superficially*

Peter Moore: "Now, anyone who isn't completely retarded want to suggest something? Don't be shy..."

Ass Kissing EA Pawn: "I know! Why don't we disconnect people from our servers then blame THEM for disconnecting and give them a DNF?!"

Peter Moore: "Oh you really know how to impress me. Let's....Meet later for a....Coffee..." *cheeky wink*

8: Now That's Good Head

Corner. No goal. Corner. No goal. Corner. GOAL! Corner. No Goal. Corner. No Goal. Corner. No Goal. Corner. No Goal. Corner. No Goal.

That's how corners go normally. But then suddenly you play a match and instead of ^^^^THAT, your opponent is like THIS:

Corner. GOAL. Corner. GOAL. Corner. No Goal. Corner: No. Goal. Corner: GOAL.

Yeah because your defenders suddenly forgot how to mark and Chiellini can't jump anymore....

9: PEN.....PEN.....PEN......PEN

Great slide tackle David Luiz! Good lad! Hang on.... Hang on....No....No...No, no, no, no - WHAT THE FUDGE CAKE WITH ICE-CREAM?

Good tackles are punishable by penalties on FIFA 13, apparently. Nice going ref.

OK so sometimes a foul is committed and it IS a penalty. But why the fuck did the AI commit the foul? You don't go fouling people in the pen area because you felt like it you fucked up defender. Why does this happen? It's bonkers. If a penalty is going to be conceded, let it be because YOU made the foul YOURSELF. Not because your defenders just randomly decided to all become Pepe.

10: Walcott! Walcott Everywhere!

I didn't know that you could get magic 'speed juice' in FIFA 13. Oh, you can't? Then how come ALL the opponents players can run at 1 Bazllion miles-per hour? All your passes are intercepted and as soon as the other person sends a through-ball forward, your defenders are left behind by that little bitch Esswein.

You can't compete. Everything is against you. There's no way to dominate the game if your players are being all normal and their players are on fucking speed.

And even they're defenders are crazy fast. And it's John Terry in defence! How in fucks name does that work? It doesn't. Just like EA's logic.

11: Fuck This. I Pass.

The match starts and you instantly pass to one of your wingers. But the ball just rolls out for a throw-in.


OK, bad start. You get the ball back and pass it forward, but it simply goes to one of the other perosn's players.

And the match continues like this throughout. You can't possibly score because you can't keep the ball. Your players just can't fucking pass.

What the fuck happened to your players? Why can't Xavi pass the ball 10 yards? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?


I like you getting back to help out the defenders, Falcao. I really do, but stay forward because otherwise we can't counter attack, right?

Woah - you too Di Natale? Why are you getting back too?

And you Ozil and you Lucas? What is going on?

OK let's counter attack. Oh wait, we can't because there is no-one forward.

At this moment you check your strategy balance. It's Neutral. Then why is every player you have getting back but NOT forward?

You're forced to go Ultra-Attacking in order to make your players get forward and *attempt* to make runs but then that is too extreme and your defenders are forward too and so you concede. There's no winning really is there, EA?

What is this, Defenders Unite?

13: Super-Keeper! (And Some Total Bullshit)

Sometimes matches seem so right. You are getting the ball easily, keeping possession and getting shots in. But you're not scoring. Hmmm.

10 shots on target later and your opponent gets a break. They come forward then take a dodgy longshot. It goes in.

Hang on, isn't that their first shot on target? And it was a longshot? And you've had better and MORE chances (10 to be exact) and you haven't scored?

Hey then he scores again. Meanwhile the other person's keeper is saving everything you have. Fuck Cech I want this guy! Oh wait, it's Victor Valdes, I don't want him! HANG ON, HOW THE FUCK CAN HE SAVE ALL THESE? HE'S SHIT!

And so it ends. You lose (draw if you're lucky). Gotta love FIFA 13.

Comment Time!

Here are some of the best comments left on my two previous angry FIFA 13 articles:


"Why when I play FIFA 13 online my players run so slow compared to my opponents? Are they using a cheat code or something? Its almost like my players are running in quicksand and my opponents every player including there center backs have rockets on there backs. Does anyone know what my opponents are doing? Please Dont tell me I just suck and Dont know how to play. I can play with real Madrid and my opponent have Ac Milan and every one of there players as soon as the game starts runs circles around me."


"I want to know what the f*** you're doing that makes your man run so fast I'm playing online with Manchester United they can use the worst team in the league do guys want circle around me like my guys have skunk Creek boots on and they got rocket jets up there ass this is b******* I know the cheating with some kind of cold or something I need somebody to come forward and tell me what the hell do doing because you can't even play this online this is b******* is bleeding cheating I play against the guy they have no skills whatsoever all they do is make the guys want fast and wanting to you not your man over in school or you can even get the ball pass have half quart or half midfield I'm so sick of the s***"


"I googled this article while pissed due to most of the reasons above. I laughed so hard I forgot to be pissed off. Thanks for that."

Melting CHOCDOG:                                                                                                                            
"Just played a game with my friend and his keeper ran out of the box and saved it with his hands, but the EA gods said "nah not a hand ball at all" absolute BULL-SHIT I can't understand what EA spend all there money on, not improving the server or the AI or the graphics or the actual game-play itself. You can see why EA won the worst company of the year award twice in a row."                                    

Billy Allen:

"HOw about the fact that they opposition defenders somehow get super quick? I had hulk through on goal.. and MERTERSACKER OF ALL PEOPLE, somehow catches up and tackles him?!"   
FreeFire187 on XboxLive:
"This game is so goddamn awful. This is a stupid fucking piece of shit! Like Billy said; HOW THE FUCK does a defender catch me while I'm at full sprint pushing the ball in front of me and the mother fucker is SIDE STEPPING and keeping up with me?! What the fuck is up with the goddamn shooting delay? Why the FUCK do I need to press the shoot button 3 fucking seconds before I'm ready to take a shot?! Do I look like I can see the fucking future and know when I'll be ready to shoot 3-4 seconds before I'm ready?! WHAT THE FUCK EA! Let's not talk about how awful the shit AI defenders are! "Here, let me get the ball and get that pass to you. Before I pass it to you though I'm going to turn around the other way so that I can have to immediately turn back around again and chip the ball to you even though you're only 10 feet from me! That's a perfect plan!" EA... SUCK A GODDAMN FUCKING DICK! Oh, and I like how the skill moves you put in game work like a fucking charm a whopping 1.4% of the time you use them! Great job!"

Yours fucking truly,
Pissed off gamer, FreeFire187...

Anonymous (Note: While the article is mainly aimed at FUT, anon has a good point here. A very good point.):
"Agreed. Also I hope EA can explain to me why the fuck liverpool or other shit clubs always win the premier league title when I play with other leagues. Every fucking time. Manchester United, Manchester city and chelsea even buy fucking half the other leagues players and end up 6th. Wtf is up with that????"
Anonymous (Note: Makes a great point about how we all seem to expect that it will somehow get better but it doesn't. Yet we all play it.)
"this shit was fucking hilarious. Fifa pisses me the fuck off yet I still come back to play it. I think I want it to magically appear to be better or something. Totally not worth the 60 bucks if you ask me, because they make you purchase a bunch of shit in game too."
"I was so angry after watching my team get mercilessly counterattacked by a ridiculous AI after my 91 overall striker somehow couldn't handle a 5 foot pass outside the box, that I turned the game off, and turned to my computer and typed in fifa 13 fucking sucks. Your article popped up and it did make me happy. Why do I keep playing this game?"
Anonymous (Note: To the point. I like it.)
"I know that feel bro. Fifa 13 is fucking retarded."
"The last few weeks of playing FIFA 13' online have really annoyed me. Today was the final straw. Playing an online seasons game with Milan (i was vs PSG), I totally dominated the first half and was 2-1 up comfortably in control thinking gonna smash this guy about 4 or 5-1 at least. Half time stats were 9 shots, 7 on target vs his 2 shots 1 on target. But nooooo FIFA's ridiculous programming takes over and in the second half my players CANNOT EVEN PASS 5 YARDS TO EACH OTHER, their control is shockingly bad and they have no pace or even want to run anywhere. It's as if my AC Milan team suddenly became a non-league team!!. Ended up losing 4-2 because my players JUST WOULD NOT REACT to what I was asking them to do.

I hope in the next version of FIFA, the players actually can respond to your input consistently. FIFA 13' is a joke.

STILL missing PES6 after all these years of 'next gen' greatness. That game was the best footy game I've ever played. Your tactics and attacking/defensive mentality actually had an effect on the players you would logically expect AND you could score epic goals just by playing simple, quick footy. If you wanted to keep the ball. You could! Instead of your player just randomly deciding his touch would be a bag of shit for no reason, or his pass would go nowhere near the person you were aiming for."
"Ultimate team sucks , ea decideds who will win the match . I.e give all the luck to 1 team , I may have 20 shots and the keeper saves them all flying through the air to push every shot wide , then the opposing team makes 1 break and my defenders are nowhere to be seen , alas 3 on 1 = the winning goal. And to top things off all the loose balls and deflections go to ea's chosen winner. Dont get me wrong , ive won a few matches this way but that annoys me too. Its a waste of me putting battrries in my controller , I may aswell press start then sit back and let ea do the rest....."

So, there you have it. I'm pissed. You guys are pissed. So let's make the comments section a fucking pissed off orgy. Express your anger at the game below. You guys are hilarious and the more you comment the bullshit ways you lost, the more people will realise they're not alone when they lose in ridiculous ways. Given how shit FIFA is these days (and given how much I still play it. D'oh) there will definitely be another angry FIFA article sometime in the future, so I will definitely feature any comments on this article on that one. So anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little compilation of bullshit ways to lose on FIFA and I hope you can relate to them. PEACE!


  1. fifa makes me rage. everything about fifa is wrong but you still play because you know, pes aint gonna make you happy.
    I hate the defending, passing, chance creation, ai runs, keepers and 90th minute or 45th minute miracle goals.
    corners are just a huge waste because you can't score(always)and by always i mean 99% of the time.
    somebody should play FIFA only FOR ANGER MANAGEMENT. you know you should give this to hulk. make him play couple of matches and tell him to be patient (while he is hulk stomping the controller).

    1. Haha I try to avoid playing it online these days - especially FUT. It's just got way too many issues. And you're right, we all still play it because there isn't a good alternative game and we kinda hope it will change too. But it doesn't. Still makes you rage lol

  2. you brought out the TRUTHS Michael

  3. I find your rant page amazing. how similar to my rants? Stupidly close.

    OK fifa hes run into my box i can see a pass goal appearing and ive got a defender running into the net to defend that pass. *pass goal is played* fifa decides to change defender to the one behind the striker running into the box who goes onto score the pass goal i was about to avoid.

    Fifa handicap ( I truely believe it to be there). OK so you're playing the 352 formation and you get a defender sent off. since when has it become so difficult to play passes to people who are not marked? Why must you always play to someone who is marked?

    Esswien has the ball, david luiz runs into him. esswien gets a yellow card. Chinese ref.

    There is soo much more id love to add from keepers that punch instead of catch or dive under the ball from a corner, too defenders that forget how to jump for, clear, pass, shoot, the ball.

    Look forward to you're next installment. Im sure something new will appear. EA and fifa 13 never ceases to amaze
    Why must my defenders who are defending (haha defending more like standing looking pretty) a corner suddenly decide that in order to clear the danger they are going to pass the ball to the keeper so he cant pick it up whilst be surrounded by many strikers.
    How has my players touch of the ball make me think that either the ball is going to explode or the ball is actually on fire.

    me playing against a full team of silvers (leeds to be exact) and i have the dick head team (germans, pacey etc) but somehow find that everyone of them is closer to messi then they are to championship players. Amazing touches, passes, finishes, chance creation. But when it comes to me counter attacking, ive got a team of sunday league pub players that cant wait for nothing more then the half time orange slices and the hearty few pints of local beer to ruin the memory of the match where they got beaten by silvers.

    Why is neuer so good? Why do chinese refs always give me bad decisions. Since when does it always rain in england? Given a choice EA id rather play with people from my own country to avoid lag issues but thanks for not giving me that option and now, for UT, taking away the 5 min rule so now i have to play with people based on mars

    1. Haha thanks for the comment man - really appreciate it! When I first read the first line of your comment though I thought you were saying I'd copied one of your written rants lol. Obviously you didn't mean that though :')

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. this game is getting my nerves i been playing some match online and when i shot on target it hits the bar every times and my opponent two shots two goals ! what the fuck is this??? sometime i just want to burn this game! >.<

    1. True that! This game is a scripted mess!

  6. So basically, I JUST played a FUT game,I have an amazing Seria A side (4-4-2) and I came up against a guy with Remy upfront, and the rest of the team was your average BPL Squad (Walcott, Gervinho, Wilshere, etc..) I had 17 shots, and 14 of them were on target, he first scored after Ogbonna decided to.. uh I don't know, I guess have a wank? Well, after he scored, I managed to score from a corner, and we went on to the second half.
    Second half: I literally raped the guy. Oh, look! Balotell's through on goal from a through ball from Robinho, surely he's gonna score since there are no defenders around, okay shoot it Balo, I believe in you! WAIT WHAT THE FUCK HOW DID CECH SAVE THAT OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL, wait, it's okay, calm down, atleast i have a corner.. Hmmm.. Nice cross Marchisio, Diakite head that in son! WAIT WHA- FUCK MY LIFE THE GUY'S 6'3 AND HE'S GOT 85 HEADING YET HE SKIED THE BALL.
    It's okay, Goal kick. Wait how did Arteta beat Pogba to a head, WAIT WHAT THE BALL'S WITH WALCOT, OH MY GOD NO HE CROSSED IT TO REMY. GET THAT BALL OGBONNA
    WHAT THE FUCK WHERE ARE YOU OGBONNA? yup. it's a goal.
    It's okay, I'm just 1 goal down. ~Fifa Gods~ "lolno" YES! MURIEL'S THROUGH ON GOAL, SURELY HE ISN'T GONNA MISS THIS! Wait, wow. Cech's probably got 99 diving and 99 reflexes, is that the case EA?
    This game is bullshit taken to the next level.

  7. I think i am genuinly going insane!!! I had your average op silver bundesliga team against a guy that knows NOTHING about chemitry (all dead links apart from 3 yellow)and has EVERYONE out of formation. I attacked and attacked for ages against his defence with NO links AT ALL which seemed completely organised and somehow amazingly pacey but NOOO he just has to go and counter attack and score EVERY CHANCE he took. ok, so it's 2-0 to him at halftime; not too bad can still come back and to be fair, it was working my team looked good, they were getting shots away, a lot away, but some how his casillas with a red formation and both red links seemed to be catching EVERYTHING and then 1 attack in the 75th minute and he scores. no worries, i can still get a draw, lets play it to the winger, but no, it get intercepted and he scores again SOMEHOW. So i take control again and attack for ages and try to keep my dignity by scoring off a 90th minute corner, ok, good cross, now use your 78 heading to- oh shit shaun wright phillips CHESTED it and now pace abuses down the right wing to sweat it across to diuof (hannover 96) and score AGAIN... So by now i was raging, it finished 5-0 to HIM!!! the match stats read: shots, me-23 him-5; shots on target, me-14 him-5; possesion, me-62% him-38% YET I STILL LOST 5-0!!!! wtf ea you've been doing this for 3 seasons in a row and now i seriously think its giving me anger management problems... fuck you ea, seriously FUCK YOU!!

  8. Lol was right about to go on the web app and sell my (apparently shit) BPL and Serie A teams but read this and gave me a laugh. Funny thing is that I know I'm not a shit player and can fucking go on tremendous streaks, I think my best win streak to date is 16 in Div 1 which is decent IMO and my win % is around ~60. But every once in awhile this shit happens where I get relegated to Div 2 this time even Div 3! I mean I think I just lost 17 out of my last 20 games fucking ridiculous. Funny thing is it happened right after I added some IF/TOTS players like Ashley Williams (for his heading ability 6'0 90 strength, 96 jumping) yet I counted he lost 4 out of 5 headers to Chicharito off of my opponents goal kicks. SIF
    Enrique to replace his regular card it was SHIT I mean he couldn't pass, dribble, mark everything about his SIF was worse than the regular. I replace Bent (great player BTW) with Torres and suddenly I can't finish jack shit even my other players start missing chances they were putting away before?

    Then I added TOTS Barzagli, SIF Marchisio, IF Lulic, IF Konko, SIF Klose, SIF Handanovic, and IF Muriel to my team boom I lose the next 7 out of 8 games because my players suddenly become absolute shit! All my players start taking absolute shit 1st touches, they run slow as fuck for some reason (even though they should be faster?), they lose more headers (though my defenders presumably should have gotten better at heading?), my passes are complete and utter shit (again with IF's they should have gotten better), the runs from Klose/Muriel are worse than when I had Balo/Muriel regular cards. Then to top it off I still should have won at least half of the 8 games due to the full time stats more shots/shots on target/possession/pass accuracy (I was in Div 3 by this point) but no I end up winning the 1 game where I felt I got completely dominated but scored 2 corners and a stupidly good longshot from 35+ yards out with De Rossi. Fuck EA and their scripting/handicap.

  9. hahaha all the above is true ....anyway some guy I played against who had all his lame players running like the game was in fast forward and his keeper making unbelievable save after save told me the trick is to give ur players 99% fitness and 99%morale before every match....simple as that....HEHE THATS THE CHEATCODE

  10. It happened a couple times, I get called for offsides even though the receiving player was a mile onside, but had another guy who wasn't part of the play on the other side of the pitch that was offside.

  11. 29 shots on target to 1 V the CPU, and guess who came out on top 1-0?


  12. i have rage smashed 4 or 5 controllers while playing FIFA 13. I am never gonna buy another FIFA game again.

  13. In fourteen, I can win my first 5 matches comfortably, I then need one more point for promotion-perfect........except now I all of a sudden shit, I lose all my games until my last game
    in this game, it is a 5-4 thriller until the last minute, where I get an equaliser- and promotion

    its so fucking scripted


Your Thought Box. Leave Your Thoughts Here.